Happy St Patrick’s Day!

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Click on the picture to read a very interesting report about St Patrick’s (non-inclusive) day of celebrations in New York. Not for the politically correct, I ought to add…

Nor, of course, are “Irish jokes” but as long as they’re not crude and involve only silliness which could apply equally to English, Scots, Welsh, Americans, you name it, they may be posted here for fun today. In my experience of Irish relatives and friends, they are not regarded as “racist” by normal, well-balanced, fun-loving Irish folk – like the ones who blog here!

My own favourite is the story of the man acquitted of a crime who was told by the Judge: “you have been found “not guilty” by a Limerick jury and so you may leave this court today without any other stain on your character.”

You have to laugh… Don’t you?

34 responses

  1. This from the Catholic Encyclopedia entry on St. Patrick:

    “It is recorded that when St. Patrick and St. Brigid were united in their last prayer, a special vision was shown to him. He saw the whole of Ireland lit up with the brightest rays of Divine Faith. This continued for centuries, and then clouds gathered around the devoted island, and, little by little, the religious glory faded away, until, in the course of centuries, it was only in the remotest valleys that some glimmer of its light remained. St. Patrick prayed that the light would never be extinguished, and, as he prayed, the angel came to him and said: “Fear not: your apostolate shall never cease.” As he thus prayed, the glimmering light grew in brightness, and ceased not until once more all the hills and valleys of Ireland were lit up in their pristine splendour, and then the angel announced to St. Patrick: “Such shall be the abiding splendour of Divine truth in Ireland.”

    So there’s quite a bit of hope that the Faith will be restored in Ireland from its present disgraceful and deplorable state. Meanwhile, I understand that there are some Irish bloggers who have been given a dispensation to hoist a few in honor of our great St. Patrick…so here’s a little joke for you:

    “An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, “Father, have you been drinking?” The priest responds, “No officer, just water.” The policeman asks, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “The Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

    • Great Pretender,

      Thank you for that reminder that St Patrick will see to it that the Faith will be restored in Ireland. Let’s hope and pray.

      As for your joke – here’s one set in the Australian outback:

      Paddy Irish man, English man and Scotsman were travelling in the Australian outback when their campervan broke down. They had to leave the van to go look for help.

      They were only able to take one thing from the van each, so the Englishman took water to keep him hydrated. The Scotsman took food to give him engery and Paddy Irishman takes the door.

      The English man asks Paddy, “Why did you take the door?”

      Paddy Irishman replys, “Cause if I get too hot, I can roll down the window.”

  2. Mrs leprechaun was given a dispensation by our priest at Mass this morning from her self-imposed abstention from alcohol during Lent. Not only was he pleased to grant the dispensation, he said that it would be a sin not to celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

    Jokes? Two Irishmen were out fishing on a lake and had some very good sport. One commented that they ought to come back to the same spot again the next day. His friend agreed, and said that he would put a chalk X on the prow of the boat to mark the spot.
    “How dumb is that?’ came the reply – ” We might not get the same boat tomorrow!”.

    An Irish traveller was up before the Court for speeding. He claimed that a startled pheasant had flown out from the side of the road and got its head caught in his wheel. He thought that if he drove a bit faster it might throw the pheasant clear – and that was when he got his ticket. The Magistrates accepted his story and dismissed the charge but fined him €60 for causing unnecessary suffering to the pheasant.

    Happy St. Patrick’s day everybody.

  3. On a more intellectual level – lest there are any Irish scholars reading this, here is a limerick which once won a competition. I am not the author, but I congratulate him wherever he is now:

    There was a young man from Dunlaoghaire
    Who put forward the interesting theoraoghaire
    That the shortage of verse
    In the language of Erse
    Was because it made poets so waoghaire.

  4. Happy St Patrick’s day to everyone!

    I love it when we have jokes so here’s one that made me laugh:

    Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

    ‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’

    ‘I’m God,’ said the stranger.

    ‘Pardon?’

    ‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’

    Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

    ‘Your reverence,’ said he, ‘I hate to trouble you, but there’s a man sat on me altar who claims he’s God. What’ll he do?’

    Take no chances,’ said the archbishop. ‘Get back in the church and look busy!’

  5. “The fellow who would stoop so low’, said a Corkman, ‘as to write an anonymous letter, the very least he might do is to sign his name to it’.

    Happy Feast of St Patrick to all CT bloggers.

  6. I wish everyone a very happy St Patrick’s day. I, too, love the jokes threads when we have them and I found this one online which I think is hilarious:

    Sean and Bridie Flynn were always fighting. Their terrible bad tempers were notorious in the parish.

    One Friday evening they were rowing over some small disagreement from months before. Bridie struck Sean with the phone – Sean countered with the back of his hand. Bridie came back with a broom handle across his shoulders.

    Sean grabbed the implement and pulled Bridie down the stairs. With the impetus of her fall, Sean spun her out of the open front door and into the street. He threw himself astride her winded frame and began slapping her across the face, just as Father Murphy came round the comer on his Friday visits.

    Looking up and seeing the priest, Sean thought quickly and glowering at his prostrate spouse he roared: ‘Now will you go to Mass?’

    • Josephine

      Sounds like Sean should have been before this judge:

      The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

      “Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. “I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man. “And why not?”

      “Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”

  7. Happy St Patrick’s Day!

    I was very glad to read the Guardian report about the exclusion of gay rights floats from the New York parade. There’s still a glimmer of morality among the Catholics who organised that event, which is heartening. It was also very interesting to read the names of the companies who withdrew their sponsorship because of the ban.

    Joke: an Irishman wrote the following letter to the editor of a newspaper:

    Dear Sir,

    Last week I lost my gold pocket watch, so yesterday I put in an ad. in your LOST AND FOUND columns. Last night I found the watch in the trousers of my other suit. God Bless your newspaper.

    • Fidelis,

      This sounds like his brother:

      Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?

      He asked the local farmer.

      “Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don’t have any horns at all,” the farmer replied.

      The farmer continued, “But this cow doesn’t have any horns because it is a horse!”

  8. Happy St Patrick’s day!

    A Kerryman went to Dublin to earn his living as a con man. He didn’t fare too well, however. The first fellow to whom he tried to sell O’Connell Bridge turned out to be the owner and the Kerryman had to give him £20 to stop him reporting the incident to the Guards.

    And –

    Advertisement: FARMHAND WANTED. OWN QUARTERS WHERE HE CAN COOK HIMSELF ON A BREAKFAST-COOKER.

    • Michaela,

      That’s very funny. So’s this one:

      Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

      Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’

      He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’

      Murphy watches in amazement!

      The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home.’

      So he leaves the site.

      Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

      ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ asks the Foreman.

      ‘I cant work in the bloomin’ dark! ‘ says Murphy.

  9. An Irishman who made a living catching and selling coastal fish put an advert in a Lonely Hearts column: “Hard-working fisherman seeks wife. Must be able to cook, and sew, and gut fish. Boat owner preferred. Please send photograph of boat”.

    • Leprechaun,

      Your joke about fish reminded me of this one about lunches…

      Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

      They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

      Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

      Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, “Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

      Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

      Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

      Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

      At the funeral Paddy Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

      Paddy Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him cheese! I didn’t realise he hated haggis so much.”

      Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishman’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He makes his own lunch”

  10. Declan likes a drink or two….. or several, on a regular basis.
    For a while he hasn’t been feeling too great so he goes along to the village doctor.
    Doctor Murphy listens then does a check of everything…….blood pressure, chest, eyes, ears…….. the lot!
    Says the doctor ” Declan, I’m at a loss. I cannae find anything. I think it must be the drink”.
    Says Declan ” Aw that’s a’ right, doctor. I’ll come back when you ‘ve sobered up”

    • Spero,

      Priceless. As is this one:

      Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

      “Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

      “That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

      Then Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”

      “What was his name?” asks Paddy.

      Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

  11. As for the exclusion of the militant homosexuals from the NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade, it’s a good thing this decision did not rest in the hands of His Inclusiveness Cardinal “Good for him!” Dolan.

  12. Happy feast day dear Editor!! 🙂 Take it easy on the Guinness and the Jamieson! 😀 😀 😀 😀

    • Jobstears,

      Thank you for your Feast day wishes – as for taking it easy on the drink… I used to drink too much but I’ve cut down to twenty glasses of wine a day – in the morning 😀

  13. Thank you everyone for those Feast day greetings and great jokes. I laughed a lot. Here’s mine:

    Priest in Dublin preaching hellfire, thumping the pulpit as he denounces sin and warns of damnation. He thumped and shouted throughout his sermon. Eventually, a small boy turned to his mother and said: “Mum, what will we do if he gets out of here?” 😀

  14. It was Patrick’s Day, to be sure. I found 30p in the station car park this morning! May ye all be in heaven half an hour before ‘old nick’ knows that ye’r deid……

    • Pat McKay,

      Here’s one that will make you smile …

      Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O’Connor.

      Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. Sure, I’m always first up out of bed in the morning.

      The solicitor pushed on. What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have. “Bless you, sir. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.

      Mrs. O’Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

      Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.

  15. Happy Saint Patrick’s day everybody.

    Pat McKay,

    your mention of a car park reminded me of this joke – An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

    “Lord,”he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

    Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind,I found one.”

  16. I was very glad to read about the ban on the LGBT marchers at New York’s St Patrick’s Day celebrations but not so glad to read some of the comments criticising the organisers.

    St Patrick, pray for us!

  17. I thought there’d be a lot more jokes.

    Don’t worry folks, over here on the mainland we still have a sense of humour. The problem with Irish jokes is that they can be a bit simple. We were always taught that was so that others could understand them. (One of those big yellow smileys should be here)

    Maybe some have heard this one, but here’s my little offering. I notice there’s a bit of a drink theme going on here.

    An American walks into a crowded Dublin pub, walks up to the bar and decides to issue a challenge after getting everyone’s attention.

    “Pardon me, but I’ve heard a lot about you Irishmen being able to hold your liquor. Well I’ve got 1,000 bucks here for any man who can sink 15 pints of Guinness in half an hour. What about it?”

    To our visitor’s surprise and disappointment, instead of the expected show of hands there was no reaction. Just silence, before everyone returned to their conversation. Nobody moved except one skinny little fella who got up and walked out the door.

    Half an hour later the same lad returned, walked up to the bar and tapped our American friend on the shoulder.
    “Hey mister, has anybody taken you up on your offer? Does it still stand?”

    “Why it sure does stand”, came the puzzled American’s reply. “Go ahead, let’s see what you can do, little feller”.

    With that, the local lashes back the 15 pints of Guinness, with minutes to spare.

    After the American gets over the shock, he offers his congratulations and hands over the money. Even more puzzled than before, he has to ask a question.

    “Well boy, I do declare I’m mighty impressed. But tell me, why didn’t you do this when I first came in? Why did you walk outta here?”

    “Oh, dat’s easy”, came the reply. “I just wanted to go to the pub down the road to make sure I could still do it in thirty minutes”.

  18. Happy St Patrick’s Day to all – or I should say “Top o’ the morning to you” – and I hope you will say back to me “and the rest of the day to yourself” !!

  19. This is a Lenten not an Irish one but could have taken place in Ireland. The bell rings for the start of Mass and the congregation rises and the first hymn is sung acapella. Wee jimmy turns to his mother and asks “why is there no organ playing?” His mother replies “there’s no organ because it’s Lent.” Jimmy has a think to himself and then asks “who to?”

  20. An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”

  21. Wogan went into a shop on his first day in London and picked up a mirror. He was taken aback and rushed to buy it, telling the shopkeeper he would have to send it home to his mother.

    “Dear mother.” he wrote, “I went into a shop here and found this picture of myself which I know you will like.”

    His mother looked at the mirror: “a picture of himself, he says, it looks more like some old hag he has picked up in London”.

  22. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread to mark St Patrick’s Day. Nicky and Frankier, two great jokes to finish off – thank you both.

    I thoroughly enjoyed all the jokes – hope you all did, as well.

    God bless

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